Catholic parents as 'secret weapons'
A gay son talks to his Catholic
parents about grassroots support, challenges from church
hierarchy, and their new book ‘Fortunate Families’
by J.A. Lopata
ROCHESTER,
N.Y. — When I came out to my parents in 1983, while support
resources for young gay men like me were blossoming, there were
precious few places for Catholic parents to turn for their
questions of faith and belief. Their search for reconciliation
with the love they felt for me and the anti-gay messages coming
from Catholic Church authorities led them to founding their own
ministry of working with Catholic families who have gay and
lesbian members. They call these families “Fortunate Families”
after a term from Native American Plains Tribes who value
families with unique individuals in them. For her master’s
thesis, my mother, Mary Ellen Lopata conducted a descriptive
survey of Catholic parents with gay sons and lesbian daughters.
She asked about their religious background, their reaction to
learning of their child’s homosexual orientation and what kind
of pastoral response they received from their church. She also
collected actual stories and experiences from Catholic parents.
My dad, Casey Lopata, who has a master of divinity degree from
the Roman Catholic St. Bernard’s Institute, provided some
perspectives on Catholic doctrine and theology. All of this
resulted in the book, “Fortunate
Families: Catholic Families with Lesbian Daughters and Gay
Sons.” I asked my parents a few questions on a recent visit
home. in newsweekly: You’ve been working in ministry to Catholic
families with gays for over 12 years now. What’s the status
report? Mary Ellen Lopata: Well, I think there are two different
tracks. One is what we read in the newspapers. Mostly what makes
headlines are pronouncements from Rome and from many U.S.
bishops that are hurtful and insensitive to gay and lesbian
people. If that’s all you look at, your sense would be that
things are getting worse. However, most of our time and energy
is spent talking with real people, Catholics who go to church
every week, who are really involved in their faith community.
What’s happening there is a very different picture. There is
immense acceptance and affirmation of gay and lesbian people in
many, many parishes in the United States. In all of them? No,
but in many of them. I think people would be surprised at the
acceptance there is at the grass roots. Casey Lopata: There are
a lot of people working on the local level, especially a lot of
parents who have started ministries in their parishes.
in: If the hierarchy of the Church is going in a different
direction, which it sounds like, then why even bother with the
Catholic Church? Mary Ellen: Because I believe that the Church
is the people of God. I think that the official phrase is census
fidelium, the sense of the faithful is a part of the essence of
the Church. So it’s not just pronouncements from Rome that make
Church. When I was growing up — and I went to Catholic school —
there was never any teaching about homosexuality. Until probably
the ‘70s, you didn’t hear in Catholic venues about those six
[anti-gay] passages in the Bible. The parents of my generation
at least, and there are many of subsequent generations I
believe, get to the heart of Christ’s teachings, which are love
God and love your neighbor as yourself, that God’s love is for
everyone. When parents hear these recent teachings from Rome
they find them contradictory to what they’ve grown up with. Is
your question, why do I stay with the Catholic Church?
in: Yes.
Mary Ellen: I feel a responsibility. As a part of the people of
God, it is, I believe, my responsibility to speak my truth, my
experience. If I don’t do that, then I should leave. The Roman
Catholic Church is one of the most powerful institutions in the
world. There’s a great power for good and there’s a great power
for hurt or harm. And in this particular case, I think that
power is hurting. And so what ever little bit I can do, I have
to try. That’s why I stay.
Casey: It’s not all the hierarchy that’s going in a different
direction. [Detroit] Bishop Thomas Gumbleton is a wonderful
ally. And my favorite quote in this ministry is this one from
former Saginaw [Mich.] Bishop Kenneth Untener: “When we die, and
as a moral theologian I don’t say this lightly, the only thing
that will matter is how we treated each other.”
in: One of the reasons that you’re involved in this ministry now
is because I came out to you. How would you feel if I turned my
back on the Catholic Church and left? Mary Ellen: I would say
that you and every person has to follow his or her own
conscience. And if in order for you to be free and live a life
that is true, you have to leave the Church, then that’s what you
have to do. Would I be sad? I don’t know.
Casey: There’s a passage in the Catechism. It says that everyone
must obey the certain judgment of his or her conscience. And
then it goes on to say that if he or she acts against it, he or
she would condemn himself or herself. It is not a new teaching.
It is a core teaching of the Catholic Church.
in: What should our response be to someone like Boston
Archbishop Sean O’Malley, who requires that priests in his
diocese read from the Sunday Mass pulpit that civil marriage for
gays and lesbians is a “national tragedy”?
Casey: Well, we
wrote him a letter. We told him that we disagree. There’s an
English theologian James Alyson. He took this whole issue and
said, “OK, here’s what the Vatican and the bishops are saying.
OK, I’ll grant them the right to say what they want, but the
issue comes down to, “Is it true?” Don’t get too upset with
them, but keep coming back and ask, “Is it true? Where’s the
data that shows that lesbian couples or gay male couples
adopting kids put those kids in a violent environment? Show me.
Show me. Is it true?” Mary Ellen: Don’t be silent. Write letters
to him. Write letters to your editor. Talk to people. Explain
that he does not know gay and lesbian couples or he would know
their loving and faithful relationships are not a national
tragedy. He is wrong. Bishops can be wrong. You have to refute
what you know to be untrue.
in: You’ve been an advocate of having parents in particular
speak to priests and bishops about their experiences parenting
gay children in the Catholic Church. Why parents? Mary Ellen: I
think that parents bring an experience of some of the pain and
struggle that their children experience in coming out. Certainly
not the same degree, but they understand that process. They can
speak about their own pain and fear for their child, and about
their profound sadness that many, many of their children do not
feel welcome in the Church, and will not go where they are not
welcome. And I think that pastors and bishops, hearing that
message from parents, might hear it more readily. The same
stories from their children might be perceived as self-serving.
But a parent puts those concerns in the context of family, which
is a very important value to the Church. Your Dad likes to say
that parents are the secret weapon in this whole struggle.
in: What are your hopes for this ministry for the future?
Casey: One of the things I feel good about is the number of
people we have dealt with who are more involved, more willing to
speak, more willing to write letters, more willing to do work
publicly on behalf of gay and lesbian people, than if we hadn’t
been there. That’s what ministry is really about — empowering
and encouraging others to speak their truth. Mary Ellen: My hope
is that someday the Church in Rome will come back to the Gospel
teaching of love and justice. I have the hope that will happen.
Because I think the Holy Spirit is at work in this Church. And I
do believe that that spirit does work from the bottom, from the
people of God. s Casey and Mary Ellen Lopata will be on hand for
book signing at “A Retreat on Conscience, Catholics, and
Homosexuality” sponsored by the Catholic Parents Network, at
LaSallette Center for Christian Living, 947 Park Street,
Attleboro, Mass., Friday through Sunday, Oct. 29–31. For
information on the retreat, call 301/277-5674. For more
information about the book “Fortunate Families,” connect to
www.fortunatefamilies.com.
Photo Credit:
This piece first appeared in "In Newsweekly: New England's largest gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender newspaper."
July 2004